Dad,

Fuck you for leaving us. I didn't care until I was five. Then I did.

Fuck you for inviting me to your house to swim and letting me see your new child's toys but not letting me touch them.

Fuck your mom and dad who treated me differently. You let me call them them grandma and grandpa... fuck you for that.

Fuck you for not being there the first time I got beat-up at school, and for every time after that.

Dad, did you know that I never cried in front of them when they tripped me, when they shoved me head-first into a trash-can? When they tore my comic books up?

Did you know that I wanted Evil Knievil to be my dad... that I dreamed there was a mistake.

And fuck you for not being there to tell me that he was an even bigger asshole than you. I would not have cared because to a 10-year-old jumping over cars on a motorcycle holds a LOT of weight. But fuck you anyway.

When I came home from Brian Grosse's birthday party trying not to cry because of what they did to me, where were you?

Do you know I OD'd when I was 15?

Do you know if I believe in God?

Do you know the name of the first girl I kissed? The first girl I fucked? The first girl I loved?

Fuck you for not being there to watch my children grow up.

And dad, fuck you for NOT telling me that you aren't really my dad... for letting me find out from my brother... on the phone.

You now want a DNA test to prove I have none of your blood when you know that I don't care?

Fuck you Dad... for not being my dad.

Fuck you for making me feel unwanted. I never was wanted. Ever. You are a coward.

Still...

I love you Dad.


And fuck you for that.