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I've never acknowledged new years as anything more than a waste of time. A day to party and make plans that you will never follow thru on.
Today, out of necessity, I need to reflect on the last year, and the year ahead.
For a while now I've been trying to relate to the world in a way that means something to me. I don't want to say that it's a "deeper," or more "important" way, but rather a more "meaningful" way. There IS something more here, now... I don't know what it is but I know it is passing us all by.
Most of those attempts to connect to others failed. One in particular didn't. And that alone may have literally saved me from myself.
I've made no secret of it, mentally, I am struggling more than I could have imagined. I've tried to open the book on why I think I'm struggling and have been met with indifference, love, anger, laughter, and the always unhelpful "it's going to be okay."
Maybe it's not going to be okay. Maybe I'll never heal. Maybe I'll never find the inner peace I crave. Maybe I'll never find my "God."
I honestly don't know where to go from here. I wrote some general tips yesterday that may help keep me grounded, but I don't know if that's enough.
I will continue to create... Paint, design, write, touch and feel with absolute passion. Complete and total passion for the moment.
I hope that you find what you crave.
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