Worthless

-
I wanted to kill him.

The weak worthless price of shit.

I don't remember his name or the color of his shirt or what grade I was in. I don't remember why we were fighting. But I remember how my knuckles stung as they crushed his skin onto his skull.

I remember thinking the blood coming out of his face was too red. Fake.

I remember hating him but not knowing why I hated him. Knowing only that the hate felt good. As good as the sting of my knuckles. Better... the hate felt better. I remember wishing he would punch back as I sat on him and watched him cry like a fucking baby.

"Fight back!" I yelled, "I'll make you fight back!"

"Fuck you!!!" I screamed.

My brother pulled me off with what I had at the time, mistaken for a proud grin. After so many days of him seeing me come home bloody and holding back tears from a beating of my own he MUST have been proud.

As my brother and I walked home I could still hear the boy crying. Fading. Fading. It was like music. I wondered when his cries would give way to soft sobs. When the sobs would turn to sad, heavy breathing.

I wondered if the boy would be so ashamed that he would try and sneak into his house to clean the blood from his pale skin and change his clothes to remove any trace of the beating before his family got home.

What kind of a loser would do that?

I wondered if the boy's mom would comfort him, I wondered if his dad would teach him how to fight? Does he have a dad? A mom? A sister? Brothers?

Ha! Who cares?

The worthless fucking piece of shit.
-

sinking

want to be pushed down

hit, cut, live in pain

draining blood passion

drugs still there

don't need anything

just everything

sinking, sinking

as shallow as I feel the world is

still it drowns me

want to push down

hit, cut, cause you pain

money blood fashion

no one cares

need everything

meaningless nothing

weakening, weakening

as shallow as I feel the world is

deeper than me

contact

This is my voice
this is what I sound like
I hear your voice
and know it is yours alone
There is no other like me
there is no other like you
There is no place or time
there is now, there is here

Your hand, your skin
is your contact with the world
My hand, my skin
is my contact with you
My eyes see the world
differently than yours
My eyes see you
differently than the world

Let me see you
all of you

Dad,

Fuck you for leaving us. I didn't care until I was five. Then I did.

Fuck you for inviting me to your house to swim and letting me see your new child's toys but not letting me touch them.

Fuck your mom and dad who treated me differently. You let me call them them grandma and grandpa... fuck you for that.

Fuck you for not being there the first time I got beat-up at school, and for every time after that.

Dad, did you know that I never cried in front of them when they tripped me, when they shoved me head-first into a trash-can? When they tore my comic books up?

Did you know that I wanted Evil Knievil to be my dad... that I dreamed there was a mistake.

And fuck you for not being there to tell me that he was an even bigger asshole than you. I would not have cared because to a 10-year-old jumping over cars on a motorcycle holds a LOT of weight. But fuck you anyway.

When I came home from Brian Grosse's birthday party trying not to cry because of what they did to me, where were you?

Do you know I OD'd when I was 15?

Do you know if I believe in God?

Do you know the name of the first girl I kissed? The first girl I fucked? The first girl I loved?

Fuck you for not being there to watch my children grow up.

And dad, fuck you for NOT telling me that you aren't really my dad... for letting me find out from my brother... on the phone.

You now want a DNA test to prove I have none of your blood when you know that I don't care?

Fuck you Dad... for not being my dad.

Fuck you for making me feel unwanted. I never was wanted. Ever. You are a coward.

Still...

I love you Dad.


And fuck you for that.